Please join me in cringing with a general sense of imminent humiliation over NHL Wunderkind commissioner Gary Bettman’s latest attempt to market the game.

According to ESPN, NHL uniforms are soon going to be modernized:

The NHL will break with tradition next season by ushering in a new, streamlined uniform that blends fashion with functionality, commissioner Gary Bettman said Wednesday.

Bettman said the new-look uniforms, designed over the past two years, will be unveiled at the All-Star Game in January.

In an interview with Reuters at the NHL’s headquarters in New York, Bettman said the players who have tested it so far “have been thrilled.”

While the new tapered uniforms are fashionable, Bettman said they were designed with players in mind.

“The new uniform takes advantage of developments in new fabrics,” he said. “But the change was done not for the stylistic. It was done for performance and safety. It was time. Our basic uniforms haven’t changed in 40 years.”

NHL teams have worn basically the same outfit, with big, square shirts, bulky pads and wide socks with horizontal stripes since the 1940s.

The new leg pads are designed to stay in place when a player moves and not ride up toward the waist.

“The players will have the ability to have their joints flex and be able to move their arms and legs better than ever before,” Bettman said.

I’ve been holding out on getting a Canucks jersey until they either get rid of the Orca Bay killer whale or reinstate the retro hockey-stick sweater. But now I have a sudden urge to go grab one before the magic touch of Gary Bettman literaly provides us with a ‘new-look nhl’.

This is quite possibly the best Lion’s team I have ever seen, with deep Canadian talent on both sides of the ball. While the players have done a great job all season, my gratitude goes to Lion’s General Manager Bob Ackles and Head Coach Wally Buono for being able to assemble and guide such a dominant championship-caliber team.

Now, what better way to celebrate than to break the cup that you’ve spent the whole season striving to hoist.

On a related note, if I ever find that audio clip where Madden breaks down how a running back did “a good job of taking it up the A-hole”, I’m going to make it my ringtone.

The only defence I can offer Raiders coach Art Shell and offensive coordinator Tom Walsh is my theory that Oakland’s latest mind-numbing display is the result of a gameplan based on Aboyning.

Maybe, just maybe, the Raiders four botched snaps were really just elaborate attempts to hide a week passing game by attempting a fumblerooski? It makes sense: following a performance against San Diego where the passing offence spent most of its time ritually sacrficing Aaron Brooks to Chargers linemen, Shell and Walsh decide to pre-empt Baltimore’s pass rush by designing a forced fumble play that will lose the team only 1 yard in passing situations. Sure, you may find this tactic to be pure idiocy if you consider Center to Quarterback exchanges to be a basic competancy in professional football, but I assure you, the Raiders think this is a viable gameplan. The only problem was that the offence even had trouble executing this play.

I’ve tried to endure the bizarre offseason the Raiders conducted. It seemed that Oakland was trying so hard to be unconventional and sub-par that they might actually surprise people. But now that meaningful games are being flittered away due to flat out abysmal play, it’s hard not to condemn the team for what it is: a gong show.

• I’ve tried to think that signing Art Shell was a good move that will restore that ol’ Raiders Mystique.
• I’ve tried ignore the fact that the new offensive coordinator, Tom Walsh, has been out of football and running a bed and breakfast for the last few years.
• I’ve tried to convince myself that top draft pick Michael Huff, a safety, addressed a bigger need for the team than acquiring a first round quarterback.
• I’ve tried to consider Aaron Brooks to be a quarterback who, given the right tools, can put together a winning season.
• I’ve tried to bury my head in the sand when the Raiders signed Jeff George to provide an option at QB.

But the Raiders are now going to open up this season by starting Alvis Whitted at WR against San Diego?

Are you serious?

Alvis Whitted has speed, he may even get open, but he has hands made of pure rock. Yes, I’m a Raiders fan, but even I’m not delusional enough to try and rationalize this latest move by the Silver and Black.

Although, perhaps Art Shell is just trying to confuse the hell out of San Diego…

For as long as I can remember Italy’s top clubs have been the seven sisters:

• Juventus
• Milan
• Inter
• Roma
• Lazio
• Fiorentina
• Parma

The latter two have fallen on hard times in recent years, but the near dynastic supremacy of either Juventus or Milan has always led to murmurings over the way these clubs always seem to get all the breaks during the course of a season. While you can normally consign this sentiment to “sour-grapes”, the sense of something not quite smelling right has always permeated the Italian Championship. The nation’s most storied clubs, Juventus and Milan, always seem to be able to gain a key advantage on or off the field whenever they most need it during the season. It’s an almost unstated assumption among Serie A fans that these two clubs have an unfair advantage in winning trophies each season. In fact, Roma was the last club to win the championship that is not accused of match-fixing, and that was in 2000-2001. The five years since have seen Juventus claim four championships and Milan take one. In fact, Roma’s previous title win is now all the more glorious considering the deep-sense amongst even neutrals that the game is rigged.

So, if the Gazzetta dello Sport’s rumours are even mildly close to right and Juventus is relegated and Lazio is punished too, I’m doing cartwheels.

I have never had less time to take in the World Cup since before 1994. It’s depressing to think that out of 54 matches, I’ve so far only managed to watch the majority of only a handful of games. So, whereas I would normally be a big enough dork to try and comment on every match, I’m reduced to only the following notes and detritus:

• Mental note: Next World Cup, syncronize vacation time with the group phase of the tournament…
• The Guardian refers to the Portugal vs. Holland match as the “Battle of Nuremberg”. It may be the only good call to emerge from that match.
• Best side that I would have liked to see through to the Quarter-Finals: Mexico. I think they’ve finally showed that they now have the ability play away from their home stadium and still be able to compete with the best in the world.
• Biggest Upset: France taking out Spain 3-1 in the second round. I am just so sick of Zidane and Vierra’s golden generation, and was thouroughly hoping that the French would continue to eat the humble pie served to them at their last World Cup and European Championship appearances.
• Player I’d most like to see in a Manchester United shirt: I love Roma so I don’t want him to leave, but after witnessing Daniele De Rossi’s elbow cranking Brian McBride across the face, can anyone deny De Rossi would be the perfect replacement for the departed Roy Keane?
• Worst individual performance: Graham Poll . The sole English referee managed to besmirch match officials throughout his homeland by awarding three yellow cards to Croatia’s Josip Simunic.
• Best Ongoing Drama: The fickle love-affair shared between Brazillian fans and Ronaldo, the pudgy striker whose second round resurgence continues to inspire dumpy-looking men everywhere.
• Best Goal: So far, I would vote for Maxi Rodríguez’s stunning, game-winning volley in the final minutes of Argentina’s second round match against Mexico.

You’re a dork Bruce

Peter King, an American football journalist, perfectly hits the nail on Bruce Arena’s head:

I don’t know Bruce Arena, but he seems like a non-communicative dork to me.

I would also add that Arena has that unique combination of smug demeanour and whiny voice that offers a warrant for someone to get the crapped kicked out of him in school.

By the way, the USA’s completely uninspired showings in this tournament once again demonstrates that FIFA rankings mean absolutely nothing.

Don’t cry for him Argentina.

There are lots of things to like about the newArgentina:

1. A less defensive style of play that finally puts the spotlight on the country’s fleet footed attackers, rather than on plodding, over-hyped midfielders.
2. No Seba’ Veron loitering around in midfield (okay, so this is the same as 1, but finally abandoing the Veron - Simeone era is probably the best thing to happen to Argentina).
3. They have a coach named Pekerman.

Yet, the one unfortunate side effect of Argentina’s progress is that we are forced to watch more shots of the bloated one himself:: Diego Maradona. I understand Maradona’s lofty position within the pantheon of Argentinian footballers, but I wish non-Argentines would stop treating him like the second coming. Since winning the World Cup, he has done nothing but tarnish football with his doping and endless stream health destorying cocaine binges. Maradona is a disgusting farce that should now be simply ignored.

Peter Crouch? Peter Crouch!

I don’t care if England go onto win the cup, Peter Crouch’s inclusion in the English starting XI is just so damn garrish and odd that I will never understand it. Is someone out there seriously going to be able to argue that Crouch represents one of English Football’s preimminent attacking threats? I understand the need for a target man, but I still have no clue why Sven would choose to take Crouch (or Walcott) to Germany and leave Jermain Defoe sitting at home. So now, with Michael Owen crocked, England are left with a player moulded in the likeness of Manute Bol to shoulder the goal scoring burden for the team… Good grief. I genuinely worry that a hard slide tackle from the likes of Vierra or Gattuso would rip the poor boy in two.

Peter Crouch!

Oi.

This offseason, please breakup the current roster of the Vancouver Canucks. While the team was once an entertaining powerhouse in the Pacific Northwest, I think it’s now fair to say that this group of players is done.

I’ve waited until after the playoff just to make sure that I wasn’t merely frustrated that the team missed the postseason. Yet even with this time to absorb the Canuck’s last woeful season, I think it’s time to admit that the window of opportunity for the current batch of key players on this team has passed. The so called core of this team was unproductive and then blown up last season when it counted most. I think it’s become obvious to just about anybody who follows the Canucks that the current makeup of the squad is a mish-mash of salary and ability tha no longer adds up in the era of the salary cap. Certain key players will need to go, and in so doing, the entire nature of the team must cahnge to support a new style of coaching and play. Yes, the Canucks are in a rebuilding phase.

Yet, not to be completely unfair, I thnk you were right last season to stick with what was was once a good crop of players. Perhaps if the Steve Moore Incident or The Lidstrom Goal hadn’t happened , we would be revelling in a few great playoff runs right now. The Canucks were once a fantastic team. Now they’re not. Get rid of the core if you need too. We all know the overhaul is necessary.

So, please be bold Mr Nonis. This team is not a step away from being a Stanley Cup contender. It needs to be hewn into competitive shape, not just pruned like last year. That means the axe needs to swung and the overall look of this team should be drastically alterred to meet the greatest needs of this team. Atleast the salary cap will provide you with an active free agent market in which you can wheel and deal. Do whatever you need to do to improve this team.

Wield the axe Dave.

Thank you.

P.S. Could you please make a deal for Roberto Luongo? Thanks again.

You would figure that a smug, hirsute-lipped twit like Black would atleast get that right.

John Wells, where are you?

….

During this past off-season, the club announced it had turned a profit on operations for the first time since Braley took over.

David Braley had a huge nut. Then he lost it. That would probably make me cranky enough to sell the team too. Yet I’d hate to see the Lions owner leave after all he’s done so much to reinvigorate the club. Perhaps Craig Forrest could teach Braley that losing a nut doesn’t mean he has to abandon his involvement with professional sports.

What do you mean I’m immature?

1. He is the only Canadian to have travelled nearly all the way up the IOC totem poll (and then plummet downwards).
2. He is responsible in large part for selling the soul of the olympics to corporate sponsors and mass media.
3. He is the only man who manages to keep himself in the media spotlight by getting his panties in a knot over drug-testing in sports that are off the public’s radar…like cycling and professional hockey.
4. Using his name makes any headline read like the title of a gay porn movie. For example, alternative titles for this post:
   • Dick Pound Again
   • Love that Dick Pound
   • Loud Dick Pound
   • Dick Pound Loud
   • It’s Dick Pound Time!
   • Nasty Dick Pound

It’s a typical club versus country row and as a die-hard Manchester United fan who harbours a rooting interest for England, it’s a conflict that cuts both ways:

• Leave Rooney out and the idea of Peter Crouch featuring in the deep-playing forward role for the entire tournament is profoundly distressing.

• Allow Rooney to play and risk permanent damage to United’s most dynamic striking threat (now that Ruud van Nistleroy has likely played his last game in a United shirt).

What the non-fan probably doesn’t understand though is that most football fans would probably have the same priority in a club versus country row as me: remove Rooney from the squad in the interest my of favourite club. Why? Because as phenomenal as the World Cup is, given the choice, most fans would much rather opt for a championship for their club team than their for country. It sounds stunning, but think about it: club football is the bread and butter of the game. FIFA does a great job organizing and promoting the grandness of the World Cup, but the 40 weeks of living and dieing on every domestic matchday is simply too great an investment for a fan to pick country before club—unless, of course, you happen to be a Chelsea fan, in which case your club can simply buy another international superstar to replace any injured player.

Oh well, while I’m disappointed that Rooney is going to be risked in the World Cup, at least it will help provide some flair to the otherwise uninspiring 4-4-2 formation that Erickson seems compelled to use… relying on Peter Crouch as a playmaking forward in the World Cup, oi.

Williams joined the Argos on Sunday after being suspended by the NFL last month following a fourth violation of the league’s substance-abuse policy.

The first three violations were for marijuana use but the results of the fourth haven’t been divulged.

“This is a feeble excuse for the Toronto Argonauts to sell tickets and I am embarrassed to have worn that A on my helmet,” Theismann told The Fan 590, a Toronto all-sports radio station, on Tuesday. “To think they would stoop to this level to sell tickets, to bring someone in who is not worthy of playing professional football.

“He has insulted professional football players, he has insulted the game of professional football. He has been suspended by the National Football League, he doesn’t want to play. He’s going to a place where his value will be limited.”

Theisman expressed his exasperation on The Fan when it was suggested that Canadian views on marijuana use may have softened since he played in Toronto.

“I don’t care what society says,” Theismann said. “To me that’s a crock of baloney. That’s a feeble excuse. Society can accept what it wants. I refuse to accept drug use as a part of society. It has not been legalized.”

Later in the morning he shared his view on ESPN Radio in the U.S.

“He’s a disgrace to the game,” Theismann said. “The man doesn’t deserve to play football. He should go on with his life and treat his drug addictions or go do whatever he wants to do.” —CBC

But, what’s more disturbing: the CFL allowing a marijuana addict to play while suspended, or the NFL allowing multiple domestic abusers and wife beaters to continue playing every Sunday? Michael Pittman, the Tampa Bay running back, pled guilty to ramming his wife’s car with his Hummer and was told not to play in only 3 games by the NFL… even though his 2-year old child was in the back seat of his wife’s car at the time of his attack. St Louis’ Ram’s lineman Leonard Little killed a woman while drinking and driving and only received an 8-game suspension!

How does Ricky Williams playing in the CFL garner so much outrage when the NFL routinely harbours convicted wife beaters and drunk drivers who kill people? Maybe the NFL’s firm stance on drug violations and flimsy position on domestic violence is another symptom of the American drug war. Regardless, what Theisman and anybody else outraged at the Williams signing should also be as upset—if not even more outraged—about is the far more serious case of men who are directly harmful to other people being allowed to play in the NFL.

By no means am I arguing that the CFL should be given a pass for overlooking William’s off-field problems. It demonstrates a stunning lack of will and values all the way up to the CFL’s head office and should be considered yet another nail in Commissioner Tom Wright’s coffin. But if you are sincerely concerned about disgraces to the game who don’t deserve to play football, please get men who kill and abuse people out of the sport before worrying about the potheads.

I remember my father and I siting in the upper deck of a sold-out BC Place in 1991, having witnessed the BC Lions go into the 2nd quarter down by 21-3 to the Toronto Argonauts. The stadium was hosting a capacity crowd for the first time in perhaps a decade in large part due to the Argo’s stunning signing of Raghib ‘Rocket’ Ishmael, who by all accounts should have gone number one in that year’s NFL draft but had decided to play in Toronto after being offered an enormous contract. Vancouver had never been more excited about a CFL game in recent memory and we were horribly behind at the quarter mark. But once the 2nd quarter began, the Lions began to awaken and then Doug Flutie siezed the game in the second half..

In those 3rd and 4th quarters it suddenly seemed as if the diminutive Lions quarterback had everything suddenly click into place. I look at it now as perhaps the moment that marks Flutie’s emergence as the CFL’s dominant player. Perhaps it was sheer talent or a profound competitive spirit, but the way Doug Flutie resurrected the Lions offence with his scrambling, passing and sheer force of will was magical. He would instinctively know when to break out of the pocket, spin away from pursuit and checkdown to his fourth receiver before releasing a pinpoint pass while on his back foot. He would continue to do all this on nearly every down in order to make a play.

Flutie succesfully rallied the Lion’s offence to overcome an initial three touchdown deficit and replied to each of Toronto’s scoring drives, including a last minute drive in order to send the game in to extratime. The Lion’s special teams went on to capitalize on the comeback that Flutie had delivered and the Lions ended up victorious with a score of 52-40. More than just a win, the resurgent Lions endeared themselves to their fans and helped get the franchise and the CFL back on the map in Vancouver.

To this day, it remains the best football game I have ever seen in person, and I owe that experience to Doug Flutie.

Coleman has likely ditched this uber-geeky style by now, but I will never understand what would have compelled a wealthy ex-footballer turned young manager to adopt such an egregiously loser-chic haircut?

I suppose it could be worse: he could have further tortured the world with the venerable soccer mullet.