Like anyone who wages an ongoing battle with misanthropy, I try to use each new year as an opportunity to reexamine humanity in a more forgiving light. But when the first public event of the year is the 86th annual Polar Bear Swim, it’s quite difficult to get past day one without returning to a deep suspicion that people are just stupid.

Perhaps I’m just jaded, but I once dove into a glacier fed lake and, having discovered my lungs seizing and muscles non-responsive from the shock of the cold, still couldn’t locate the joy in the frigid experience. Seriously, how can anybody who isn’t already morbidly obese find this fun?