French debates are a dull but necessary aspect of any Federal election campaign. It’s unfair to fault either francophones or the French language itself for the general sense of boredom that exudes from these leadership debates—blame irritable High School French Teachers across English Canada instead.

Nonetheless, something simply has to be done to spice up French debates in the future. I suggest that a candidate who really has nothing to lose when it comes to the French vote, Jack Layton or Stephen Harper, capitalize on the oppourtunity to simply go off on competitors in various attention-grabbing ways:

1. Swear Eloquently: Start slipping in dapper French insults with each reply to opponents—thereby impressing English viewers with your ability to politely upset others and communicating a deep passion for thefiner epithets of the French language to francophones.
2. Argue over French Semantics: Correctness of language is the tie that binds most literate French speakers. Any francophone would sympathize with the plight of a leader’s outrage at the linguistic errors of his opponents.
3. Appeal to Hockey: Promise to reserve Federal monies in order woo the Pittsburgh Penguins into moving to Quebec. Vive les Nordiques!
4. Pants Paul Martin: Nothing will earn more acclaim from Gomery-incensed francophones than simply jumping the most geriatric leader and humiliating him in public. It’s not likely anybody in English Canada watches the debate anyway..
5. “Fetchex la vache!”: It’s a risky move in terms of alienating French voters, but launching into an impersonation of the irritable Frenchguard from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is bound to appeal to anglophones who reject the notion of Quebec’s distinct society.