I’ve long advocated that Canada should arbitrarily declare war on France. After all, nobody really likes the French and it would help Canadians carve out a niche as the only Friendly Conquerors of the post-cold war era. But as the CBC reports, I can now suggest Denmark as a more plausible recipient of our aggression:

Danish officials in a warship are on their way to plant a flag on an Arctic island near Greenland, in the latest move of a territorial dispute between Copenhagen and Ottawa.

Danish authorities said the crew will plant another Danish flag on the 1.3-square-kilometre Hans Island, which lies off the northwest coast of Greenland and has been claimed by both Canada and Denmark.

…

Canada and Denmark agreed in 1973 to create a border through Nares Strait, halfway between Greenland, a semi-autonomous Danish territory, and Canada’s Ellesmere Island. But they were unable to agree which country would have sovereignty over Hans Island, which lies about 1,100 kilometres south of the North Pole, and various other Arctic islands in the area.

In the end, they decided to work out the question of ownership later.

The decision has caused friction more than once. In 1984, Denmark’s minister of Greenland affairs raised a Danish flag on the island.

He then buried a bottle of brandy at the base of the flagpole and left a note saying “Welcome to the Danish island.”

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Yes… those cheeky Scandinavians with tasty pastries deserve to be taught a lesson! Well actually, they don’t but it always seems dramatically appropriate to suggest that something’s rotten in the state of Denmark. Besides, they probably have a smaller military than France—or atleast a weaker force than Canada’s one marine in a refitted attack-bathtub.

I’m sure that peace loving hippies have no idea what I’m going on about. But any true appreciator of the Canadian mindset understands that this country has always needed to establish an identity. So why not an identity of violence? A bunch of other guys are already doing it. And, they’re doing it so poorly that we have a real opportunity here to not just bolster national pride but to also win international acclaim.¹ Maybe we’ll even roll enough sixes and collect enough armies to conquer the world!²

No nation achieves anything significant until its people can unite under the banner of mutual hatred. So, lets kick some Danish butt!

¹ The plaudits will be presumably for conquering with politeness in one hand and maple syrup in the other.

² However, if past experience has taught me anything: we should initially try to maintain only a small beachhead in Europe. This way, we can avoid Denmark gaining bonus armies while we try and establish an initial stronghold in Australia!