I. Kerry’s Crappy Campaign

At John Kerry’s disposal lay the track record of the most incompetent President in recent history¹. With all that material to attack with, even Helen Keller could have landed political bitch slap on ole’ Dubyah. Instead, JFK waged a tepid campaign focused on minimizing his own growing reputation as a flip flopper.

Who would you rather have as a leader, a man who has earned the nickname of a mid-60’s TV dolphin or a man whose family name alludes to pubic topiary?

II. To Hell with Stem Cells!

I’ve watched enough science fiction to know that genetic science is a very bad thing. I mean I would rather die than endure a world where puritanical overlords rule with a genetic, instead of religous, iron fist. After all, besides the billions of people who will suffer and die from degenerative disease, who needs genetic technology anyway?

III. Heartless Strategists

Between 30,000 to 90,000 Iraqi civilians are dead due to Dubyah’s preemptive strike against Saddam Hussien². That’s a humanitarian catastrophe of massive proportions but the Bush regime is aware of one brilliant strategic factor: Iraqi Lives Don’t Matter. Yes, it’s a bit appalling that several elderly men and a middle aged woman³ can be so deviously calculating in pursuit of their own real life game of Risk[4], but isn’t that the sort of cabinet you would want running a superpower?

IV. No to Homos

If reelected, George W. Bush will continue his efforts to crush the gay rights movement. This is because the nefarious political agenda of the gay rights movement (yes, gay is now a member of the political spectrum. It’s probably found somewhere around the point where Communism flips over to Fascisim) is attempting to undermine America’s family values and must be stopped… atleast that’s what Jerry Falwell and lobbyists for the Christian Coalition tell me when they’re not trying to save me.

V. An Excellent Dartboard

Honestly, without George W. Bush and his Bushettes in power, how much mileage could I get from ridiculing any other administration? John Kerry seems to be of the dithering, Woodrow Wilson stock of leader. It’s a rare man who can bring that special combination of ignorance and hubris to the table like Dubyah. I think the appeal of American politics for satarical nitwits would be sadly lacking without him. Therefore, I offer my unconditional endorsement to George W. Bush. May he continue to ruthlessly serve America for another four brilliant years.

¹ Note: though he too was in the running for the title, Ronald Reagan penchant for story telling and opportune memory loss are commendable talents.

² Even conservative estimates agree to a shocking death toll.

³ Hi Condee!

⁴ I’m pretty sure Donald Rumsfeld is convinced he’ll be able to put down one set at the start of his next term and steamroller his away to securing atleast one continent for a steady influx of bonus armies.